I think we can all agree that the State of Washington and the country in general are in financial shit-dom. And yet, when you stop to contemplate the amount of money we, as a nation, are willing to pay the coaches of our public institutions (let alone the money we are willing to spend on professional sports), your mind will melt and run out of your bunghole. It’s fucking ridiculous and is just another sign of how fucked up our priorities are.
I know what you are thinking: “You, HorseKnuckle, are just a bitter, angry, sports-hating fag who was always picked last for every team in school.” To which I reply: “You, vapid ankle-biter, are exactly right! Kiss my ass!” But hear me out.
Apparently, we just HAD to have a new coach at the Washington University that is over in the grass near the border of fucking Malaysia, or something. I don’t know or care why, but I know there was already a coach in place, AND HE DIDN’T STAND BY WHILE HIS ASSISTANT COACH RAPED 10 YEAR OLD BOYS IN THE FOOTBALL SHOWERS!! Shocker, I know. So, why fire him? Beats the fag out of me. Nevertheless, he was fired yesterday and replaced by some Texas yea-hole who has never played college football but who allegedly locked a player in a closet with a head injury or quelque chose comme ça. That would be fine with me, except the dude from Texas is now THE HIGHEST PAID PUBLIC EMPLOYEE IN THE STATE OF WASHINGTON! No fucking bullshit.
People of intelligence would say, “Well, how much could it possibly be? I mean public employees are not known for earning top dollar like people in the private sector. What is it, a few hundred thousand dollars a year?” To which I would reply, “You are clearly stoned because a few hundred thousand dollars a year to play sports all fucking day is a lot of money.” And then I would blow your intelligent underpants right off of you by telling you that his salary will be . . . wait for it . . .
Indeed. Oh, plus performance incentives. Do the math. Fuck it, nevermind, pretty. I’ll do it for you: more than $2.2 million/year. FOR FOOTBALL!
As shocked as you may be by that, take it from me: It’s only the tip of the iceberg of misplaced priorities in this state (and the country). Rounding out the top 5 public employee salaries are . . . wait for it . . . oh fuck it. More coaches! All of them.
- UW Football Coach Seamore Cash makes almost $2 million/year
- UW Basketball Coach Papi Warbucks makes $1.1 million/year
- WSU Basketball Coach Johnny Deepockets makes in the upper 6 figures (just shy of $750,000)
- UW Ass’t Football Coach Gary “Second in Command” Greenbacks also makes in the upper 6 figures ($650,000+)
[N.B. Names have been modified slightly to protect the guilty.]
You, too, can find this information by simply looking through the records of the Washington Office of Financial Management (or mismangement, as the case may be). Just think of the ways in which that money could be much better spent by the State: tuition reduction (seems obvious), education (more/better paid teachers, perhaps), social services, prescription medicine subsidies, health care, infrastructure, transportation, parks and rec, and the list goes on and on until you want to squeeze your nuts so hard you pass out.
Fucking fuckers.
PostyScripty: I want to make sure I’m clear that the salaries paid are not out of tax revenue, but out of athletics revenue. In other words, the money generated by athletics is kept by the athletic departments to fund athletics. None of it is or can be diverted to each institution’s mission of education or to other state expenses, even though it is all revenue generated by a public institution. Don’t get me wrong: I think sports are an important component of education and can make all sorts of arguments about why they have a place in education and in people’s fat, sedentary lives. My point, lest I be less than clear, is that it maddens and saddens me to see that, in a country where protestors are marching in the street about our bad economy and socio-economic inequity, we celebrate the hiring of a football coach who will make upwards of $2 million PER YEAR coaching for a PUBLIC institution, and many of us (and I actually mean you) rush out to spend gobs of money on season tickets or donate big-time cash to an athletic department. I don’t care where that money comes from–it could even grow on a god damn tree on WSU’s campus for all I care. What I find alarming is that when so many have so little, we (you) are happy to see a coach make millions while our teachers will make on average $54,000 this year, our state legislative representatives will make less than that (both reps and senators), and the Governor of our state makes only $166,000 to serve as the de facto CEO of a entity that employs more than 112,000 people.
I’ll say it again: $2,250,000 per year to coach football = misplaced priorities.