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Archive for the ‘Douchebag du Jour’ Category

To be honest, I was going to name Tim Eyman our Douchebag du Jour today, for once again trying to blow his TEA Party load all over Washington with another anti-tax Initiative.  Someone must have kicked him and his Initiative right in the festering taco, because it looks like he and it will be losers (literally and figuratively).  Then again, I’m pretty sure this picture of him tonight says it all:

Initiative Whore

Runner Up!

His Douchebag award, I’m afraid, was stolen away tonight by this man:

douche

Douchebag du Jour

Why?  Well, tonight Joe Paterno was fired as coach of Penn State’s football team, a position he has held for 127 years or something.  Why was he fired?  Well, as anyone who has actually stepped out of their alcohol and coke hole in the past week knows, he stood by and did absolutely nothing after his good pal and former assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky was caught FUCKING A 10 YEAR OLD BOY IN THE ASS IN THE SHOWERS OF THE FOOTBALL BUILDING!  Yep.  Paterno did not report it to authorities or to the President or the Board of Regents of the University system.  He simply called the athletic director to his house and had a private conversation about it with him.  Here is a unbelievably horrific timeline of Sandusky’s (a/k/a Chester the Molester’s) boy banging.

The students at Penn State are rioting tonight.  I guess they want their coaches and athletes to be able to fuck children anywhere they god damn please or something.  So they are Douchebags today too.  But since there can really only be one award recipient, tonight it’s Ashton Kutcher.  Why?  Because he posted this twat on Twitter:

ashton kutcher

aplusk ashton kutcher

How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste

After the Twatter-spher-iverse FUCKING FREAKED OUT ON HIM, he must have called his PR team and forced them to work like child-sex slaves (pun mother fucking intended) to come up with this within about an hour:

ashton kutcher
apluskashton kutcher
Heard Joe was fired, fully recant previous tweet! Didn’t have full story. #admitwhenYoumakemistakes

And in the last 30 minutes he has posted about another 20 twats agreeing with people who have called him everything from an “idiot” to an “asshole” to–and this is my personal fave–a “sick, geriatric fuck.”

Congrats, Ashton.  You’re my little Douchebag du Jour, and for your prize, I have lined up a man 50 years older than you who is going to fuck you in the ass in the shower at the Penn State football building.

UPDATE:  Holy shit, this just couldn’t get any better!  My little douche canoe also posted this:

ashton kutcher

@aplusk ashton kutcher
As an advocate in the fight against child sexual exploitation, I could not be more remorseful for all involved in the Penn St. case.
Which reminds me:  Ashton has done several PSAs about and against child sex trafficking and child slavery.  Sadly ironic.  Too bad he didn’t apparently have the Google like he has the Twitter or he could have checked his facts before going on his little rant.  Oh well.
UPDATE 2:  Ashton has handed his Twitter account over to his “team” at Katalyst Media because he doesn’t trust himself with it any longer.  What a fucking cop out!  He swears it’s because he doesn’t want to take his 8,000,000+ followers for granted, but I can’t help wonder if it is because he doesn’t want to take the time to think or verify information before he tweets.  That’s lazy, and in my opinion, he is taking his followers for granted because he’d rather be intellectually lazy and hand the account over to his people than to continue to post, but in a more thoughtful manner.  Whatever.  I didn’t/don’t follow him anyway.

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You Occupy people are on my last god damn nerve.  Today, some guy whose name I don’t care how to spell posted this “article” on a libertarian blog.  In short, the author believes that Seattle’s particular brand of everyday activism is quaint and that we are all a bunch of excessively privileged piglets.  My favorite neigh-blog picked it up and then asked for commentary.

Be careful what you ask for.  Especially from me.  Here goes (as posted on MyGreenLake earlier tonight):

“My thoughts?  So glad you asked, because my head wants to explode over this.  Honestly, Mr. Mad . . . Mr. Mad . . . however you spell it . . . let’s just call him Mr. Mad, shall we?  Mr. Mad’s diatribe about “Greenlake [sic] social activism” is just another reason why the Occupy movement has very little relevance to me.  How arrogant.  How misguided.  How very 1% of him, as in “My activism is better than 99% of the other people’s in the world,” like mine and the rest of my Green Lake (and elsewhere) cohorts’.  Newsflash, Mr. Mad:  The people of Green Lake are the socio-economic 99% that your beloved Occupy movement is allegedly fighting for.

Here is my problem with the Occupy movement:  I don’t have the time, the resources, or the patience to participate.  I don’t have all day to camp out at Westlake in the rain and try to develop a movement by consensus.  What do I mean by that?  Read this, which is the Occupy movement’s general plan for reaching consensus on every issue that the movement stands for.  As far as I can tell, the movement is about standing around, trying to come up with a coherent message.  I have bills to pay and a job and a family and other obligations and interests (including social and political) that not only require but deserve my time.  In fact, if I might, I would like to quote Mr. Mad, because he summed up my feelings about the Occupy activists perfectly:  “There are quite a few [Occupy] folks who . . . think that they’re great supporters of social change . . . .  These actions help them feel better about themselves, [and] think that they are great people . . . despite the fact that . . . their actions have almost no impact.”

To the extent that the Occupy activists are trying to make a point about a politically powerless electorate, I am in.  I get it, and I believe in their cause.  Standing in the rain trying to reach consensus with 1, 10, 100, or 1 million other people over the breadth of the movement, however, is a waste of time.  Instead, I prefer “Greenlake [sic] social activism,” which allows me to dedicate my time, talents, experience, education and resources to real social change.  I prefer to serve as a local volunteer for a major national gay rights organization, not to mention a board member of the organization on the national level.  I prefer to spend my time raising my children to be progressive, empathic, compassionate, and socially minded contributors to society.  I prefer to support, in various ways, political candidates who have my values.  And, I prefer to keep an eye on people like Mr. Mad, who believe that they have the corner on the market of political correctness and activism.

For more on the effectiveness (or lack thereof) of the Occupy movement, please see the coverage that the Stranger has been doing on its Slog, including this great piece by Dan Savage today about how the Occupy movement will be its own downfall, complete with illustrative video.

Love Always,

horseknuckle”

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I don’t know what else to say that isn’t captured perfectly in this picture:

Douchebags

A picture paints WHAT? 1000 words. Exactly.

That’s not true.  I do know what else to say.

There is a dangerous battle being waged by the dumb against the smart in this country.  It is clearly anti-intellectualism (upon which there has been some amazing commentary in the past few years, let alone the Pulitzer-prize winning book published in 1964 on the topic). I want to be clear, however.  This isn’t just a backlash against intellectuals or the uber-smart.  To the contrary, the battle demonstrates the way in which a huge portion of my fellow Americans simply reject reason or book-learning or critical thinking.

Fuck, they reject thinking, let alone critical thinking.

These are the people who clearly think that smart is stupid.  Even if we assume that smart is stupid, I can tell you this with 100% confidence:  STUPID IS DEFINITELY STUPID.  It always has been and always will be.

So, smart people and intellectuals, I challenge you to rise up and fight back.   Stop taking the high road and call these fuckwits out on their stupidity.  Because clearly, they are stupid, and they need to be reminded that they are stupid and given very obvious evidence.  Even this picture isn’t enough, really, because it isn’t clear.

Let me ‘splain it for you:  You know all of the shit in the picture that is labeled, like the sidewalk and the street and the lights and the poles and the signs?  Those things ARE PAID FOR WITH TAXES!!  Yes, it’s true.  So, when you argue for “zero taxes,” asshats, be very careful what you ask for because the infrastructure and services that you take for granted every day?  Probably purchased with tax revenue.

Not kidding.  See, it’s easy to be smart.

[N.B.:  I would be happy to give attribution to the photographer, but I found it on the Internets, and it is unclear to me who took this brilliant piece of art.  If you know, please let me know so I can give credit where credit is clearly due.  Thank you and you’re welcome.]

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Oh yes, it’s true.  It’s not just your iPhone, your iPad, and your mother.  You are being watched.  Case in point:  Moi (of course).

Today, I was twatting from work.  Really, I was watching My Green Lake (hey, shout out to you, sister!) tweet live about a fire in my ‘hood.  I load up the Twitter, and out of the corner of my eye, at the bottom right corner of my screen under “Who To Follow,” I see her.  Just sitting there.  Smiling at me.  Looking all innocent.  Acting like she isn’t paying attention to me.

Who, you ask?  The milque-toast receptionist at the front desk of my PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT!  Lest you think I am a dunce who doesn’t understand how Twitter allegedly makes follow suggestions, let me fill you in on a little secret:

Horseknuckle not only doesn’t work, he has no place at work.  He’s rude, belligerent, offensive, and rubs people the wrong way.  He’s almost 100% always right, but his delivery sucks.  Horseknuckle is the alter ego of a fine, upstanding, professional gentleman who must use diplomacy, flattery, and brains in his day-to-day dealings with his public.  And his public doesn’t really need to know about his alter ego. 

Why do I tell you this?  Because Horseknuckle doesn’t post about work-related issues, follow others who post about work-related issues, or give a shit about work-related issues or people or places.  He follows some friends, the weather, local happenings and news, global happenings and news, wine-makers, the homosexual agenda and its adherents, and not less than two dozen dirty gay porn stars.  Nothing about the subjects that Horseknuckle spouts off about or the people or things he follows have anything to do with work or would lead Twitter to conclude that he should or would be interested in following the 65 year old receptionist at the front desk with 5 cats, a Christmas sweater collection that would give you hives, a 1993 Toyota Corolla with a dent in every quarter panel, and a collection of “miniature” everything.  A nice, grandmotherly woman who hasn’t actually sent a tweet since 2010.

First Question:  Do you know what that means?  Answer:  It means that Twitter connected us BASED ON OUR IP ADDRESS! *

Second Question:  Do you know what that means?  Answer: It means that when you are in a place where you are getting your tweet on–whether you want others to know you are there are not–you are probably showing up in the “follow” suggestions of the people around you. 

And now you ask, “What do you have to hide?”  To which I answer, “Not a damn thing.”  Remember, however, the first rule you learned when you finally got your first job:  Don’t bring your personal life to work, and don’t bring your work into your personal life.  Furthermore, as a BIG GIANT GAY, I have issues about other people outing me, no matter the circumstances.

So, Twitter, STOP FUCKING OUTING ME!  I don’t want to appear miraculously in the “Who to Follow” section of my co-workers’ Twitter page.  I don’t want them to think, “Horseknuckle?  WTF is that?” only to click and discover that my alter ego and the guy down the hall might be the same person.

Long story short:  Unless my 65 year old receptionist with the cats, the Corolla, the sweaters, and the miniatures has a penchant for hot, dirty, gay pornstars, Anderson Cooper (is that redundant), and Green Lake news [NTTAWWT], then Twitter:  We have a problem.

*And no, I do not use the “Add a Location” function when I tweet.  The baby jesus knows that I don’t need you bitches all up in my grill all the time.

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Today was a pretty great day.  Great weekend, really:

  • The weekend started with the whole world celebrating a Royal wedding, proving once again that no matter how you feel about the English Royals, they at least bring a level and sense of refinement and respect that certainly would not otherwise exist in the UK (see, e.g., the United States of America, which foresake the monarchy some 250 years ago).
  • It cotinued into Saturday with wine and food and gathering with great friends and family.
  • On Sunday, the weather in Seattle actually made me want to keep on living for another day, not to mention I spent the entire day in the out-of-doors with my honey and my darling spawn, who, at 2 years of age, constantly surprise and amaze me.
  • And the weekend culminated with the suprise announcement that Osama Bin Laden received all the justice owed him today.  He happily took the lives of innocents, he admitted it, he encouraged it, he financed it, and he mocked the collective and individual pain he championed and caused.  Continuously.  Year after year.

Yet, a weekend that started with dignity and respect in the form of the royal wedding; peaked with relaxation and reward with family and friends; and segued into satisfaction at knowing that justice had truly been served, ended on such a sour, bitter note for me.  Why?

Because Americans are assholes.  The celebrations–crowds at the White House and Times Square and elsewhere, fireworks in Seattle, horn-honking, tweets from twats–make the world hate us more.  We look like we do not think before we speak (or celebrate).  We look like we have no appreciation for why someone might hate us so much that they would do anything to kill us at home or abroad.  Not only do we not appear to have learned a lesson about how we comport ourselves on the world stage but we look like we don’t believe that we had any lesson to learn.  More dangerously, we act like this is somehow the end, the final chapter, the last word, in what is a holy and social war.

We think we are fucking awesome. We are self-congratulatory and self-righteous.  We are braggarts.  We are arrogant.  We are crass.  We are disrespectful.  We are ignorant.  We are fools.  More shockingly?  Tonight, we are gloating.  And the entire world is watching.

No one likes gloating.  People who gloat are assholes, and everyone wants to knock gloaters back down.  Our behavior tonight only ensures that the cycle of violence and hate and murder will continue, over and over and over again.  Fuck us all for not having the good sense to mark the occasion with decorum, dignity and refinement, which we might have retained if we had not revolted from British rule in 1775.

Silver Lining:  Democrats look strong, and this turn of events bodes well for 2012.  Obama’s announcement was nearly perfect, except for the fact that he invoked God, who is, quite honestly, part of the problem.  Religion sucks.

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I have been threatening to do this.  And tonight, I have a compelling reason to start my new favorite category of blog posts:  THE DOUCHEBAG DU JOUR!

Disclaimer:  Don’t misunderstand the name–I ain’t gonna post every day.  Only as events and douchebags merit.  I mean, this is a special award for special jerk-offs. 

Today’s Douchebag?  Jaqob Jackson.  Yes.  With a “q.”  Jaqob is the self-proclaimed direct of HLAC, which stands for the Human Life Awareness Campaign.  I don’t suggest that you search for HLAC’s website unless you want to see pictures of aborted late-term fetuses on a website that provides absolutely no context for the pics (e.g., the mother had to abort for medical reasons).   For those of you who don’t follow the link, let me give you the short story:  Our douchebag is a pro-life zealot who allegedly knows more about abortion and a woman’s right to choose than women themselves.

While Jaqob allegedly wants to protect life, he has no respect for the lives of others.  Tonight, on Twitter, he posted the following remarks in response to Kathy Griffin, a supporter of the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell:

You’re a fuckin gaytard. How is allowing fags to suck each other’s cocks out in the open on military bases = greater security?

I shit you not.  Check out his posts on twitter

This dick deserves to be shut down.  He is the type of crazy that plants a bomb outside a women’s health clinic.  He is the type of crazy that would deny a woman the right to make choices about her health while at the same time advocating for the death penalty.  He is the type of crazy that fails to grasp that for the last decade, gay and lesbian service members have been fighting to protect his right to speak out and to be a right-wing, “pro-life,” homophobic nut-job.

Thank you Jaqob.  You make a perfect first-time Douchebag du Jour.

Email Jaqob at Jaqob.Jackson@yahoo.com

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