Archive for the ‘Penis!’ Category

Frances Kelly recently wove a fairy tale in which same-sex marriage neuters the entire world and renders your genitals irrelevant.  I responded to that bit of flawed “reasoning.”  But there’s more.

As if her premise on “genderless marriage” isn’t the dumbest fucking thing I’ve read this week, Ms. Kelly continues with this little nugget that is so GOD DAMN INSULTING to me and so many other LGBT parents that I wanted to put my “gender” in a vice-clamp to numb my anger at her:

Same-sex marriage denigrates gender and denies developing children gender-diversity in the home. SSM advocates talk about the loving and committed relationship it honors until death do them part, but by its very nature, same-sex marriage automatically deprives children from having a loving and committed relationship with both a mother and a father for their entire lives. Same-sex marriage promotes an anti-gender mentality.  [Emphasis in original.]

I will remind you, gentle reader, that I have two adorable twin boys who are 4 years old. They have two mamas, and they have two papas. They have 4 sets of grand-parents. They have cousins. They have aunts and uncles (both biological and otherwise). They are some of the luckiest children in the world because the entire community of people that makes up their family wanted them from the very beginning of their existence and cherishes them every single day as the gifts that they are.  They have very, VERY close relationships with their parents and family.  My two boys ARE NOT “automatically deprive[d] … from having a loving and committed relationship with both a mother and a father for their entire lives.”  In fact, they have the type of relationships with their parents and family that should be the ideal, and yet, all-to-many children of heterosexual parents are denied.

And trust me on this:  At 4 years old, my two little nuggets know very clearly the difference between boys and girls and between their mamas and their papas. In fact, let me regale you with a delightful story to illustrate.

The boys just had their first round of swim lessons at our local YMCA a few weeks ago.  Parents were invited into the pool for the first few times to help ease some of the anxiety that comes with trying new things like swimming. We got dressed in our suits, packed a change of clothes and headed to the Y.  I got in the pool with them, and they took to the water, the lessons, and their instructor immediately.  Afterwards, the 3 of us went to the locker room to get out of our wet suits, rinse off the chlorine, and get into our dry clothes.

Now, I am one of the least shy people on the planet about my body, and I am always shocked by parents who are so shy and awkward about their own bodies that it fosters a feeling of shame in their children. This whole notion that our bodies are shameful and that our “privates” are nothing more than stepping stones to hell baffles me. The body is an amazing and beautiful thing, and despite what the religious right thinks/obsesses/dreams/writes/says about genitals, they have uses and functions that do not involve sex. Frankly–and I’m only speaking for myself but I bet many of you will agree–my man-parts spend a hell of a lot more time as mundane, boring, extra skin than they ever spend getting their party on, if you know what I mean.  I digress.

Despite my general lack of modesty, however, even I blushed at the boys’ very exuberant appreciation of my gender in the quite crowded men’s locker room and shower at the YMCA.  As soon as we took off our wet swimsuits,  the boys started jumping up and down, pointing at me, and yelling, “I see your penis, I see your penis, I see your penis.” Then one of them observed quite astutely, “Papa, you have a penis just like me,” while the other one pulled on his scrotum and said, “Yeah.  And you have this stuff, too.”  I couldn’t help but laugh, along with the rest of the men in the locker room, and then I distracted them (the kids, not the men, you jerks) with soap and shampoo before we got out to dry off and get dressed.

So, clearly, the boys know my gender.  It is the same is theirs. And they know that my husband and their other papa is also a boy and that we all have the same parts and pieces.  Ours are just older, and, according to them, hairier. (Gee, thanks.)  But they also now that their moms (and girls) are different.  As we were getting dressed, one of them said, “Mama can’t come in here with the boys.  She doesn’t have a penis.  She has a buh-gina.”  Word up, kid.  She sure as hell does.

To insist–and by insist, I mean lie–that gay marriage denigrates gender is absolute fiction.  Our children are clearly not confused about gender. If they are, then we give them every opportunity to ask questions about it, about the differences between boys and girls, about their bodies and ours, and about the bullshit gender roles that society tries to assign to everyone but that we, as their parents, reject wholeheartedly. We also let them ask questions about why some girls like other girls and some boys like other boys while some boys like girls and some girls like boys. And our answers reflect nothing more than the realities of biology and the full range of human experience.

To insist–and again, by insist, I mean lie–that our children are denied gender-diversity because they have two mamas who live together and love each other and two papas who live together and love each other is not only fucking stupid, it is irresponsible and clearly not supported by truth.  My family is the true, and guess what? We are by no means the only big, gay family around. In fact, we know dozens upon dozens of LGBT families just like ours.

So, Ms. Kelly, don’t you dare tell me that my relationship with my domestic partner, my children, or the mothers of my children denigrates gender or denies them anything.  They want for nothing; they are not confused; and as my story clearly illustrates, none of us have an “anti-gender” mentality.  We are quite proud of our genders and, in my opinion, represent the best of them.


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Today, the cock shot has emerged.  No, I do not have a link.  The only version of it that I’ve seen is from a picture of a picture on someone’s iPhone, and it isn’t high enough quality for this high quality blog. 

Actually, I just don’t have time to post it because I need to get dressed and get to work.  Plus, imagine in your mind an aroused man part.  Perfect.  See, you had a link to it in your head already!

But I did want to post a link to this great blog post, which I think is spot-on about the story, the “scandal,” its generational implications, and the gay perspective.  Bravo!

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Today’s irresistible scandal?  Congressman Anthony Weiner’s weiner.  In short (pun not really intended, but what the hell), a picture of a penis IN. A. PAIR. OF. UNDERPANTS. was apparently sent from the Congressman’s Twitter account to a young woman who goes to college at Western Washington University.  Oh screw it.  Here is the picture you pervs. 

A penis in a pair of underpants? UNHEARD OF!!

Scandalous, isn’t it?  I mean, in this day and age, you’d have to turn on the television or open Vanity Fair magazine or turn on the Internets to see this kind of CRAZINESS!!!!

He denies that he sent it, and there appears to be no connection between him and the single recipient.  He says he does not know for sure if it is a picture of his junk or not, but it may well be.  He says it is a hoax perpetrated against him, and a rather obvious one at that. 
Too many people are in an uproar because he simply does not want to discuss this nonsense and this non-issue and has been evasive, preferring to direct the media’s attention to mundane issues like the economy, the Middle East, tornadoes, oil prices, and other shit that apparently is less important than a cock shot.  I don’t blame him for about 1 million reasons, which I will summarize in 3:
  • His name is Weiner and people have been teasing him about his name and his weiner for his entire life.  Literally.  Can you imagine?  And then imagine that Wolf Fucking Blitzer wants to ask you about your namesake (sorry) on TV, along with about 3,000 other “journalists” and media types.  Jesus H. Christ.  I’m surprised he hasn’t killed himself already.
  • MEN HAVE PENISES!  Sweet baby jesus!  Shocking, I know.  They have a somewhat distinctive appearance, even when concealed by underpants, pajamas, swimwear, chinos, jeans, a fig leaf, the newspaper (sorry neighbors), a mesh jock strap (you know who you are), a pair of ridiculously hot leather chaps (I’ve heard), or even duct tape (don’t ask).  The appearance of the outline of a man’s penis does not a scandal make.  Actually, I’ll go one step further: the appearance of a penis does not necessarily a scandal make.  There are about 3 billion of them hanging around the world, and occasionally they will appear in the open without malice or ill-will.  Fair warning. 
  • Let’s assume it is Weiner’s weiner and the Congressman meant to send it.  And it was hard as a rock.  Angry.  With a bulging vein (concealed, of course, by his undies).   Probably not an ideal exercise of discretion.  Nevertheless, this uniquely crazy American notion that our elected officials and public figures should be neutered is fucked up.  Americans are stupidly devoted to the notion that our elected officials and public figures aren’t allowed to be people.  They aren’t allowed to curse, laugh at a politically incorrect joke, feel stressed, express sadness or GOD FORBID CRY in the open, blow their nose, get sick, take a piss, possess genitals, feel horny,  or have . . . oh lord forgive me for uttering the word . . . sex.  I can already feel the scorching flames of hell tickling me in my own naughty parts just by virtue of even suggesting that public officials might actually be people, too. 

In closing, let me say that if the outline of a penis is an important, national story, then I have breaking news IN MY PANTS right now, and it is big news, trust me.  Wolf Fucking Blitzer has not yet called, but I am sure he will at any moment (knowing him, he  and Anderson Cooper are probably looking at any number of pictures of the outline of my penis in my bike shorts or a speedo or those unfortunate linen pants that I was wearing while standing in front of a spot light one time).  In the meantime, can everyone just shut the fuck up?  I realize that as a nation, our collective IQ is too low to deal with or understand the important issues of the day so we distract ourselves with stuff everyone can understand, like dicks, tits, and fart jokes. 

Distraction complete.  Thankfully, as a nation we also have the attention span of hyperactive 8 year old who has been on a candy and Rockstar binge, and this will pass quickly.  But I am warning you:  the penis–or at least an outline thereof–is going to reappear one of these minutes where you most expect it and you need to brace yourself.  Oh shit.  Don’t look now but . . .

Serious Post Script:  On June 6, Weiner came out with the truth.  Listen to me, and listen hard:  I was disappointed that it came to this.  I don’t like lies, and I don’t like to see an otherwise honest, hard-working, talented person brought down over lies about his personal life (mistaken post to Twitter notwithstanding).  I also don’t like that the media and Americans cannot, for some unknown reason, differentiate between a public person’s public life and job and his or her private life.  I also don’t understand our collective belief that we have a right to know, let alone judge, other’s personal choices.  Weiner, you made a bad choice and you handled it poorly.  America, stop holding public figures, particularly our elected officials, to standards that you can’t maintain yourself.

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