Who Signed Ref. 71?

Remember Ref. 71?  The Referendum in Washington whereby the public got to vote on whether the RDP and I should indeed have the right to even call each other RDPs?  Well, after much wrangling in the courts, the names of each and every a-hole who signed the Referendum were made public via Washington’s Public Disclosure Act.

Even better?  The list of signatories, including names and addresses, has been compiled and converted into a neat little searchable database.  Want to see it?  Of course you do!

Now, there is some controversy, even amongst smart gays and lesbians, about the use that might be made of this information.  Some are worried that it will be used to persecute the nice people who forced a vote on my Constitutional rights.  I guess that depends on your definition of the term “persecute.”

Listen to me and listen to me hard.  The Referendum and Initiative (and even petition) process is public.  If you are going to sign a Referendum or Initiative petition, then you damn well better have the courage of your convictions.  If you don’t, then you have no business signing. Furthermore, if you want to put my rights–or the rights of any minority–to a public vote, then you should also be willing to subject yourself to the harsh light of the public eye. Washington’s Public Information Act–let alone fairness and justice–requires disclosure.

You can quote me on that. Now, do I intend to firebomb any of these people? Probably not.  (I’m more of a glitter-bomb type.  I do not like the smell of burning flesh, really, so firebombing isn’t particularly appealing to me.  I do, however, love to see people decked out in glitter.  So GAY!  But, I digress.)

On the other hand, do I intend to let people believe for one minute that they can deny me my Constitutional rights by hiding under a perceived cloak of anonymity? Not for one single minute. It is easy to say and do outrageous things when you do not run the risk of having to answer for your actions.

So what am I looking for?  What do I think is often lacking from our Referendum and Initiative process?  Accountability. The publication of the names of people who signed Ref. 71–and any other Referendum or Initiative–will keep people accountable for their actions.  Adult decisions and actions come with adult consequences, including supporting a Referendum or Initiative, particularly one that will deny a significant population rights that are enjoyed by everyone else.  Will publication of these names have a chilling effect?  Probably, and I think it should.  If you do not feel strongly enough about a ballot measure to have your name published in support of it, then your signature does not deserve to be counted.

Confidential to Ref. 74 Supporters:  We will seek to have your names published, and now that we have precedent, it shouldn’t be difficult.  So, before you sign Referendum 74, which seeks to deny my newly recognized right to marriage equality, make sure you really feel strongly enough that you are willing to subject yourself to public scrutiny.  If not, then perhaps marriage equality is not something you should waste any more of your precious time trying to deny your fellow citizens.

UPDATE 2/21/2012:  The Who Signed website has been further updated so that you can search by name, address, city, state and zip.  You’ll be shocked.  Just fucking try it.

And Komen is Back!

God damn, I love a happy ending where common sense prevails and two extraordinarily important women’s health organizations can continue to do the unbelievably great work they’ve always done.  Nancy Brinker and the Komen Board of Directors have reversed their decision to de-fund Planned Parenthood.  Text of the press release:

We want to apologize to the American public for recent decisions that cast doubt upon our commitment to our mission of saving women’s lives.

The events of this week have been deeply unsettling for our supporters, partners and friends and all of us at Susan G. Komen. We have been distressed at the presumption that the changes made to our funding criteria were done for political reasons or to specifically penalize Planned Parenthood. They were not.

Our original desire was to fulfill our fiduciary duty to our donors by not funding grant applications made by organizations under investigation. We will amend the criteria to make clear that disqualifying investigations must be criminal and conclusive in nature and not political. That is what is right and fair.

Our only goal for our granting process is to support women and families in the fight against breast cancer. Amending our criteria will ensure that politics has no place in our grant process. We will continue to fund existing grants, including those of Planned Parenthood, and preserve their eligibility to apply for future grants, while maintaining the ability of our affiliates to make funding decisions that meet the needs of their communities.

It is our hope and we believe it is time for everyone involved to pause, slow down and reflect on how grants can most effectively and directly be administered without controversies that hurt the cause of women. We urge everyone who has participated in this conversation across the country over the last few days to help us move past this issue. We do not want our mission marred or affected by politics – anyone’s politics.

Starting this afternoon, we will have calls with our network and key supporters to refocus our attention on our mission and get back to doing our work. We ask for the public’s understanding and patience as we gather our Komen affiliates from around the country to determine how to move forward in the best interests of the women and people we serve.

We extend our deepest thanks for the outpouring of support we have received from so many in the past few days and we sincerely hope that these changes will be welcomed by those who have expressed their concern.

Now, let’s get back to saving women’s lives.  Thank you.

Oh, and this year, give to both Komen and Planned Parenthood.  It’s the right thing to do.

Remember the Komen Foundation?

Me neither.  Wait.  It rings a bell.  I do remember that time in 2012 when the Komen Foundation literally destroyed its good name and brand loyalty by denouncing and defunding Planned Parenthood over political differences.

Ok.  That’s a lie.  In fact, I cannot get the Foundation off my mind tonight.  For those of you who have been completely asleep at the wheel (WAKE THE FUCK UP, Jesus) or don’t live in this country (Hey, girl, hey!), the Susan G. Komen Foundation provides untold financial resources to women’s health care organizations for the prevention and treatment of breast cancer.

Unless, of course, the health care organization provides services that the Komen Foundation finds politically incorrect.  Like abortion.  Or stem-cell research.  In those cases, the Komen Foundation doesn’t give a damn about preventive medicine for women, let alone cancer treatment, or “the Cure.”

The Komen Foundation has announced that it will no longer make grants to Planned Parenthood.  Why?  Because, in addition to providing a whole host of critical health care services to women–particularly indigent women–including cancer screenings, Planned Parenthood provides abortions.  Oh, and Planned Parenthood is under investigation by the House of Representatives, an investigation started by the extreme right wing (Rep. Cliff “Fucking Crazy” Stearns) because Planned Parenthood provides such services.  And you know how reliable and trustworthy the extreme right wing is on every social issue.  So the combination of choice + providing women with a choice = Congressional investigation + defunding by Komen.  Right.  I get it.

Seriously. WTF is wrong with you people

Dear Komen People:  Are you telling me that you are going to put politics over your own mission?  Are you going to tell me that, because Planned Parenthood provides a mechanism for women to exercise their legal, Constitutionally-protected right to end an unwanted pregnancy as one small part of the amazing work it does, you are going to stop providing financial resources for them to ALSO provide cancer screening?  You are?  I mean, you can’t possibly believe that a religious nutbag like Sen. Stearns is launching an investigation out of true concern about the services that Planned . . . What?  You do believe that Planned Parenthood should be investigated?

Ok.  Now it’s becoming clear.  You’re run by extreme, right wing conservatives, aren’t you.  Oh, yes you are!  I read that retweet on Twitter that your SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT tried to delete.

Fine.  Fuck you.

You, as a foundation, deserve to die.  You have put politics over the actual needs–desperate needs in many cases–of women.  Not just some women, but all women, because Planned Parenthood will serve every single woman (and man, quite frankly) who walks in the door, regardless of religious belief, economic standing, race, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability . . . and on and on.  Worse, you have profited from relying upon women who have suffered from and died of cancer-related illnesses and their friends and families by promising to help find “the Cure,” when you really don’t give a damn about “the Cure.”  All you care about is raising money to pay your extreme right wing executives and to further political causes.

This is, however, America, and you get to do with your money as you choose.  But you aren’t going to get any money from me, my friends, or my family.  Our trust in you was misplaced.

Lesson learned:  We should have donated our precious resources of time and money and trust to an organization that provides actual medical treatment to actual patients–organizations and health care providers that are subject to the Hippocratic oath to do no harm.  For example:  PLANNED PARENTHOOD.  You have done women’s health and, sadly, your own mission and raison d’etre, immense harm and you are not to be trusted now or for the foreseeable future.

[Confidential to Planned Parenthood:  Pink is just a color, and we're done with pink.  I'll follow you no matter your color and no matter your "race," because pink was a publicity stunt and the "race" we've been running was obviously never about women's health, medical necessities, or cancer prevention.  Let's start over, you and me and reasonable people everywhere.  New color, new race, same mission.  xoxo]

UPDATE:  Watch this video.  Blame Andrea Mitchell for not being particularly objective if you must, but she nails this interview and brings the personal relationship that so many women had with Komen and have with Planned Parenthood.  Grant excellence, Komen Foundation?  Then you should be partnering with Planned Parenthood, the largest women’s health organization in this country, to help it meet your grant requirements.  That is, unless you feel its a lost cause because Planned Parenthood won’t kowtow to your political beliefs.

Open Letter to Seattle Public Libraries

Dear Seattle Porn Public Libraries:

So, you have to let people watch porn on the library computers.  Believe it or not, I understand the Constitutional law principles that require you to do so, and I also understand the slippery-slope on which censorship perches so precariously.  I believe in those Constitutional protections, and I believe censorship is very, very dangerous.

Despite having studied the applicable Constitutions at length, however, I can find nothing in them that protects a person’s right to watch porn on a library computer in the middle of the god damn library where others, including children, will see it.  Or to masturbate in the library, which is the reason that men sit down in front of a computer to watch porn (I’ve heard).  I know, shock and awe, shock and awe.  Trust me on this:  They are not watching porn to critique the production values, direction, or mise en scene.  They do it with one hand on the mouse and one hand on the mouse’s arch-enemy, the snake.

Have you seen the musical Avenue Q?  Watch this video, and it will explain EVERYTHING.

What is my point?

MOVE THE FUCKING PERVERTS WHO LIKE TO WATCH PORN IN PUBLIC TO A MORE SECLUDED PLACE IN THE LIBRARY WHERE THE SCREEN IS NOT VISIBLE TO CHILDREN AND OTHER LIBRARY PATRONS!!!

I’m fucking serious.  While the Constitution and the laws may prevent you from censoring Internet content, it does not protect people’s “right” to watch porn in a particular place within the library.  And it certainly doesn’t protect their right to jerk off in the library.  Anywhere.  So, when someone some man is watching porn in the open, require him to move to some corner of the library where the computer cannot be readily seen.  And if he dares rub himself even a little, throw his ass out onto the street, call the cops, get a restraining order.  I mean, if you can’t police the use made of library computers, then who gives a shit where you put them?

Otherwise, love you to death!

HorseKnuckle, the apparent genius

UPDATE!  I received a comment on this mess of a post, which raised some obvious issues with my analysis.  So, I’m modifying my Open Letter with this  BEEEEE-UUUUUUU- tiful HorseKnuckle original in Library Design.  Put the perverts within eye-shot but in places where their backs are against the wall.  Or how about this:  When you see a pervert doing something perverted in a public space, particularly a public library, call them out.  Do not make it the librarians’ job–their hands are tied by the law.  Do it yourself.  If you were being mugged or assaulted on the street, you would scream and yell and call for help, wouldn’t you?  Yes, you fucking would.  Well, a pervert who is watching porn in plain view in a public space is mugging and assaulting you, so scream and yell until they move on.  They do not want the attention, and others in the library will likely join you.  I certainly will.

And now, a HorseKnuckle original showing just how freaking AMAZING I am:

God damn, I'm amazing!

Gay Marriage Vote: 28 Ayes, 21 Nays

We did it.  Full marriage equality passed in the Washington State Senate last night by a wide margin–wider than anyone ever imagined possible.  It was a very exciting night.

I EVEN FELT MY COLD, BLACK HEART BEAT A COUPLE OF TIMES!

It’s true.  And had I written this blog post last night, it would have been a sappy, tear-stained, snot-coated, weak, stupid mess of a post.  Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to go and slam my head in the front door repeatedly, sobering me up from my weakened, boob-ish state.  It was a close call, though.

So, what’s next?  Let me give you a countdown and rough calendar of events:

• The bill must now go before the House for debate, amendment, and vote.  It will pass, without a doubt.  Why, however, does it need to be amended?  Because some amendments were made to the Senate version of the bill last night during the floor debate, and those same amendments will be proposed in the House, too.  The amendments that passed in the Senate provide ADDITIONAL protections for religious organizations, as if they don’t already have full protection in the U.S. and Washington Constitutions.  But religious freedom is so god damn important in this country that we are going to masturbate ourselves over and over and over to make certain that religious people can continue to hate and discriminate against everyone, including each other, and can get away with murder, literally and figuratively.  What the fuck ever . . . I digress.
• If there are any differences between the House bill and the Senate bill after passage in those chambers, the two bills must be reconciled.  I hope for everyone’s sake that the process is short and sweet, and a final, comprehensive bill can then proceed to the Governor’s desk, post-haste.
• The Governor must sign the final, reconciled version of the bill.  And she will.  And it will be another fantastic day in Washington’s history.  And I am going to try to be there for that occasion, although someone has to pay the god damn mortgage around this dump.  So, we’ll see.
• The crazies then have from the moment the Governor signs the bill into law until 90 days after the end of the Legislative Session (roughly July) to file a Referendum and collect signatures to get it on the November ballot.  How many signatures?  Roughly 120,000, which is nothing.  I mean, I think we have that many crazies on the 358 Metro on any given morning.  So a Referendum fight is looming on the horizon, and it is going to require lots of work, plenty of money, and EXCEPTIONAL LEVELS OF PATIENCE AND RESPECT, even though I have no patience for a vote–by the public–on my freedoms and liberties and equality and no respect for the fools who keep spreading hysteria and outright lies about me and my gay and lesbian family.

Now, for you bitches.  I am going to call upon you in various ways to help make sure that the Referendum goes down in a blaze of glory.  Volunteering.  Donations.  Living openly and honestly.  Speaking up in the face of lies and deceit.  And I’m going to use this blog to give you the opportunities and tools you will need to help ensure that reason and common sense, let alone justice and the Constitution, prevail in November.  I’m going to unravel the hysterical claims of groups like the National Organization for Marriage and certain religious institutions and people like Steve Pidgeon and Ken Hutcherson and their ilk.  And it’s going to be fun and there will probably be a little hair-pulling and scratching, too.  At least figuratively.

So wake the fuck up and pay attention, because you are going to have the opportunity over the coming months to change the world and to make life better for EVERY SINGLE PERSON in Washington, in this country, and in the world.

Adventures in Hair

To prove a point, I decided to grow a beard.  What point, you ask?  Well, I can grow a beard in about 14 minutes, unlike lesser men.  And I did.

Holy shit, gramps!

See?  I told you.  This is just a few weeks worth of growth, and you will note in particular that:

I AM AT LEAST 117 YEARS OLD!

And hairy.

And I have at least two creases on my face that need to be filled with either Botox or Restalin or both.  Or maybe some fat from my ass.  I don’t know.

But that really isn’t the point of this rant/rave.  No.  Instead, I want to give you a little insight into my friendship plight.  Let me preface the following discussion by saying that my friends are first class assholes.  Not all of them, but a frightening majority.  Maybe even a super-majority.

Actually, probably 99%.  Anyhow . . .

Now, please know that I post a lot of shit on the Facebook, most of which falls on completely deaf ears and no one says a god damn word in response.  Today, however, I posted a few full-facial beard pics on the Facebook.  And the god damn Facebook-sphere lit up like an xmas tree.  Would you like to know what my “friends” had to say about my beard?  I knew you would.  Brace yourselves to be completely and utterly infuriated on my behalf.  In no particular order:

OMG You are SO gray!!!  But I still love u

you look homeless . . . shave . . now. thanks

We think you need to eat and shave.  You look like a dessicated Sting!  And that’s a lot for me to say . . .

Oh!  You were in an accident!

Why are you doing this?

Amigo if you prefer una barba… then it is your choice.. But I think you much more guapo without la barba…

Do you go to work looking this?

You need a boat captain hat and a corncob pipe.

Who kidnapped my hot funny friend.  And who let that homeless man into your house?  Someon call [the RDP] or 911 ASAP.  This is an emergency.

master of misdirection.  Best herpes cover up I’ve seen yet!

its an anorexic Santa! jk

Can anyone say Harry, as in Harry from the movie “Harry and the Hendersons”?

[My husband] says you look like Billy Bob Thornton.  I think it makes you look older than your fabulous self.

Ernest Hemingway called and wants his look back.

[You] eres muy guapo without la barba, this look… well don’t hate me, is not for you…

Sweetie, you look a little like the hermit who wrote the manifesto…his name escapes me. You’re much more handsome sans beard, that said, it is a nice beard…xo

Ted Kaczinsky? Are you fucking kidding me?  Well, then, I’m sending you a package.  Make sure you open it the minute you receive it.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?  Or an enema?

Now, I know that you are dying to know what the RDP thinks of the facial hair.  I can sum it up in a couple of simple quotes:

It’s like being married to my dad.

Get that shit away from me.

Don’t you EVEN try to kiss me with that mess.

So, I thought you said you were going to trim that or get rid of it.

Not all of the comments were derogatory, however.  No.  My sister-in-law had this to say:

Nice bread [sic].  [No, I am not making that up.  Bread.  Fuck.  Really?]

And a few others, who I have now put into my Last Will and Testament, had nice things to say about my growth.  To my detractors, however, I have a few words to say right back at you:

Fuck off.

I love you bitches.  Even your insults make me happy.  Actually, they make me both proud and happy, because I’ve trained you well.

Oh, and guess what?  I’m growing my pubes out, too, until I look like mother fucking Cousin Itt.  So bite me.

You ain't seen nothing yet!

UPDATE:  Additional comments since posting:

I’d say the more u can cover ur face, the better for all of us who have to look at it.

Hey, Los Angeles: F.O.

Yesterday, some writer for the L.A. Times–a woman who actually lives here in Seattle–wrote an article calling us “wimps” and “clueless” when it comes to winter weather.  I’m sure the woman who wrote the article has been trapped in her own Seattle home, terrified to get into her Cadillac Escalade with California plates to drive herself to Gene Juarez to get her hair did.  Whatever.

But get this:  Tonight, the National Weather Service has issued a “Special Weather Statement” for the armpit of the West Coast because of incoming storms and guess what?  It’s gonna rain and the shizzle is gonna be crazy.  I quote:

This storm will bring light to moderate amounts of rainfall to the area. . . .  Areas should receive between [brace yourselves] one quarter and three quarters of an inch of precipitation. . . .  There will be the potential for local ponding of water on freeways and low-lying areas . . . .

Son-of-a-bitch.  Say it ain’t so!  You mean it’s gonna rain in L.A.?  And get this.  Things in Orange County are going to be dire:

Most of the rainfall will be light . . . but with rather long duration and will result in some slippery driving conditions.

I’m certainly glad the people in Southern California are so much stronger and smarter than Seattleites, because HOW THE FUCK ELSE COULD THEY POSSIBLY SURVIVE RAIN IN AMOUNTS MEASURED IN FRACTIONS OF AN INCH?  Oooooo.  Watch out.  Slippery.

Hey, L.A.!  Fuck off, you pretentious assclowns.  Oh, and since we’ve all been stuck inside up here due to actual weather-related travel problems today, we banded together and spent the day calling and having your plastic surgery appointments for next week cancelled.  We wouldn’t want you to go out in the rain unnecessarily and risk your tits, your lips, or your LIVES, now would we?

 

Governess HorseKnuckle’s Proclamation

Puget Sound is no place for winter.  Our proximity to the ocean means heavy, wet snow.  Our proximity to the mountains means too many hills.  Our proximity to Canada means sudden cold snaps often immediately after heavy, wet snow.  Our proximity to Tim Eyman means too little money to pay for better roads, better equipment, better government, better transit.  Our proximity to everywhere else means an influx of a-holes.

Nevertheless, winter has arrived like your mother-in-law:  Sneaky, mean, passive-agressive, and with no sense of when to go the fuck home.  As a result, for the past 48 hours, I have gone exactly no place to which I couldn’t walk, which around here is no where.  Instead, I have watched video after video, news update after update, and picture after picture of stupid, incompetent people doing stupid, incompetent things in laundry baskets, on motorcycles, in their cars, and even on their feet**–to name a few.  And I am over all of this non-sense, you dickbags.

As self-proclaimed Governess of the great State of Washington, I have a proclamation to make.  Puget Sound is fucking closed tomorrow (Friday).  Everything, everywhere, all day long.  No one is permitted to do anything stupid or incompetent that involves any type of transportation.  Just sit down and shut the fuck up for a few more hours.  Tell your boss to go to hell.  Tell your kids that they can eat dry cereal, pine nuts, and that expired can of re-fried beans for dinner just one god damn time in their privileged little lives because you are not going to the grocery store.  Tell your significant other to go scrape the walk until his hands are blistered JUST LIKE YOU DID TODAY, god dammit.  Tell your co-workers that the ice ruined your Internet connection and destroyed the cell phone tower nearest your home.  Tell your friends not to call unless they want to bring alcohol and give you some hot, nasty lovin’ in the hot tub.  Tell yourself to stop obsessing and squeezing your own belly because you have not been able to go the gym or go for a run for what feels like a month and you have several swimsuit or underpants-themed trips in the VERY NEAR FUTURE.

Mark my words:  Tomorrow is going to be a shit-show from a transportation perspective.  It is going to rain like a cow pissing on a frozen, flat rock, on top of two days worth of slush, snow, ice, snow, slush, ice, and a fair amount of frozen dog pee and a little bit of blood.  Don’t ask.  Just prepare for the worst now and get yourself ready to stop you and your friends and family from doing stupid, incompetent shit.  It will be a test of mental acuity and common sense, but we can do it.  Together.  While trapped in the Alcatraz that have become our homes.

This could be you!

**A special thank you to the very fat, clutsy man with a blood alcohol level of at least 327.6 who, after leaving Leny’s last night, entertained me and my intrepid gays by falling down not once but TWICE within the course of one block.  The first time, he just flailed around like a Weeble-Wobble on his belly while trying to regain his footing.  After our inquiries into his health, he assured us he was fine before marching down to the other corner, where he promptly toppled over sideways into the bushes like a giant Sequoia.  He did not even bother to remove his hands from his pockets to brace himself.  After our inquiries into his sobriety, he assured us he was completely sober and that he did not need or want any help.  We quickly skated away from him before witnessing his inevitable brain injury.

Remember, tomorrow, nothing stupid or incompetent because you do not want to be someone’s equivalent of the fat, drunk Weeble-Wobble for the rest of your lives.  As always, you are welcome.

#SNOverreacting

This morning, Cliff Mass scaled his snow forecast back a bit after the morning forecast model runs.  It’s very technical stuff that only geniuses like Cliff and me understand, so I won’t clog up your empty heads with the details. But there is another very compelling reason to scale back the snow forecast, despite the presence of Jim Cantore right here in our histrionic and panicked city.  You know, Jim.  He’s the Weather Channel meteorologist who doesn’t go anywhere that will not be destroyed within two days of his arrival by stunningly frightening and destructive forces of nature.  Congratulations to us.

This is a little known scientific fact, but the amount of snow that will fall is inversely proportional to the amount of hype leading up to the event.  It’s true.  I swear to Santa Claus.  And holy anti-climax has there been a lot of hype.  Look at this riot-inducing shot of Yahoo’s main page moments ago:

Onslaught. As in, "You will be slaughtered."

Additional headlines:  “Worst is yet to come.“  “Wednesday will be a whopper.” Snow “punch” in the box. YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Now, even though I have scaled back my own expert forecast for snow based on the Media-Hype Law of Inverse Snow Proportions™, I am still leaving forthwith to purchase as many bottles of liquor as I can, because why the hell not.  I am also going to the gym, so that, in the event of our nearly certain snow-related deaths, I will look better than you in the giant pit where they are going to bulldoze our naked bodies.

#SnOMG

The earth science geek in me–who, by the way, hates the snow after living in a VERY NORTHERN TIER state for 10 years–is pissing his pants over this ridiculous winter weather that is about to descend on us.  Weather forecasting models, not to mention the addition of new equipment this year, make it nearly certain that the weather is going to go all shitballs in the next like 15 minutes.

But, for those of you (like the RDP) who think that forecasting is about as reliable as fortune telling, I offer you this one, amazingly accurate indicator that the weather is going to be apocalyptic:

@JimCantore

Missing Weather Center Live as I am en route to Seattle for pos. Record snow.

I mean, when was the last time you saw Jim Cantore show up somewhere and the god damn sun came out?  NEVER!

Run for your lives, slobs, because the shit is gonna be off the hook.

UPDATE:  Checklist for Snopocalypse 2012:  Liquor, popcorn, condoms, invites to part-time boyfriends who are within walking distance, butter, salt.  What am I missing?