NOM Bullshit Points

NOM, the National Organization for Marriage (which could be called the National Organization Against Marriage Equality) is behind every single anti-marriage equality effort in this country.  I would call them crazy bullshit artistes, if there was any art at all to what they say.  Instead, they are just fucking liars and haters.  Period.  Amen.

Minnesota for Marriage (a NOM-affiliate) has just issued 6 reasons why gay marriage should not be permitted in Minnesota, and they are the biggest pile of horseshit I have seen since I last saw a god damn barn full of Clydesdales.  HRC has provided counterpoints, but HRC is just too farking nice (I know, they have to be).  So, I have decided to take it upon myself to really break this pile of absolute rubbish down in language that we can all understand and regurgitate.  Prepare for awesomesauce.

 1. Sex between a man and a woman has the unique capacity to create a child.

False.  There is nothing unique about it, and making a baby does not require sex between a man and a woman.  No.  Instead, a man can jack off onto a Ziplock bag, suck it up in a needleless syringe, and hand it off to his very dear lesbian friends who then squirt it into one of their vaginas.  Or, a man can go to a reproductive clinic; introduce himself to the teenage, female receptionist behind the counter as “I’m here to masturbate;” lock himself in a strange little room where straight porn is playing (which isn’t particularly to the man’s liking, but you do what you gotta do); fill a sterile cup with his man-juice and hand it to a lab worker who then picks out the strongest swimmers and injects them into the eggs he has collected from the man’s dear lesbian friend to make zygotes which will later be piped into the lesbian’s willing and ready womb.  You know how I know this shit?

2. Pregnancy can occur regardless of whether the couple intends to create a child or not.

I have no fucking idea what point the crazy homophobes are trying to make with this one, so I’ll just respond thusly:  “Great!  Just what we need.  More unwanted and unexpected pregnancies.  You bitches need to lay off the crack smoking when you are writing this stuff.”  Wouldn’t it be awful if every parent in the world had to actually make the same deliberate, well-reasoned, concerted effort to have children that gay and lesbian people have to make?  Wouldn’t it be awful if every child born in this country was wanted as earnestly and lovingly as the children born to or adopted by or raised by gay and lesbian people?  Apparently, according to the doucheholes at NOM, it would be better to have children born of unplanned pregnancies than those that require the planning that should go into parenting decisions.

3. The new human life that is created is vulnerable and needs the protection of adults.

I don’t know how NOM was able to see through our fight for marriage equality so easily.  You geniuses are right.  By demanding marriage equality, what we are really advocating is that brand new babies be handed over to packs of wild animals–wolves, tigers, pandas, orangutangs, hyenas, wombats–to be raised.  We don’t want marriage equality.  We want to make sure that children are raised by anything other than adults, or left in a dumpster to fend for themselves like you non-gay types are prone to doing on an all too-frequent basis (see, e.g., Google News Search, keywords “newborn” and “dumpster”).

What in the fuck are you people talking about?  Marriage equality is not going to expose children to less protection by adults.  No.  It’s going to expose children to MORE protection by adults, particularly gay and lesbian couples who already have children or intend to have children.  It’s going to provide for additional stability and safety and care.  Not less.  Fools.

4. The man and woman who created the new life typically have the most interest in and are best at protecting and guiding that child.

The only way you can believe this carafe of diarrhea is if you have had your head up your ass for . . . well, forever.  Let me give you some examples of how great biological parents are at protecting and guiding their offspring:

• 9 year old child brings .45 caliber handgun to school and shoots classmate
• Teenager brings handgun to school and kills classmates
• Child dies of cancer because parents refuse to seek treatment
• Girl dies after being forced to run for 3 hours after eating a candy bar
• Babies dying in Arizona in epidemic of “shaken-baby” syndrome

I would go on, but I simply cannot.  It’s TOO FUCKING SAD!  So, before you say one more fucking time that marriage equality is going to result in more bad parenting, you better step out of your own glass house, because some of you non-gays do the most horrible and awful things imaginable to your children.  Certainly the gays couldn’t parent any worse.  It would be impossible.

5. They agree that they will both be legally responsible for any child conceived during the marriage.

First, what is it about marriage equality that makes you think that we are advocating for the abdication of legal responsibility for children?  I would call that a mental leap, but in NOM’s case, I think it’s more of a mental gap.  Second, because gays and lesbians can’t have, adopt, or raise children simply by rubbing their genitals together in the backseat of a 1995 Toyota Corolla, the legal concerns that arise from raising children have usually not only been considered but addressed.  Third, anyone can agree to be legally responsible for a child, and many, many non-biological parents have done just that.  From step-parenting to adoption to foster care to guardianship and on and on.  So don’t give me any shit about how no one other than a child’s bio-parents can actually parent or be legally responsible.

6. Couples must work for decades together to raise a child from conception to adulthood.

Uh-huh.  Yeah.  So?  To my knowledge, there is no provision in any marriage equality legislation that says gay and lesbian couples will parent for less time than necessary to raise their children.  Even so, many non-bio parents step into their parenting roles long after conception and do a fantastic job raising the children that you non-gays have all to often abandoned, abused, or otherwise misguided.  Or children who have, sadly, lost one or both parents.  For example, look at grandparents and aunts and uncles who raise their grandchildren or nephews and nieces.  Look at foster parents.  Look at single parents, many of whom do an unbelievably good job of raising children despite the road blocks often in place.  Look, for crying out loud, at Brangelina.  Think, too, about adults who contribute to the upbringing of children without actually parenting full-time, from teachers and mentors to relatives to complete strangers.  Good parenting is done both in the moment and over the long haul, and it doesn’t take biological parents to provide a good upbringing for children.  The evidence is all around us, every single day.

Ultimately, marriage equality and child-rearing have nothing to do with each other.  Non-gays get married all of the time and do not have children.  Gays raise children all of the time without having the right to marry.  The arguments surrounding children and child-rearing are true red herrings, designed to distract conservative lemmings who refuse to look at the world around them or think critically about the shit-sandwich they are being fed by conservative groups and leaders.  More importantly, arguments like those above are blatantly and obviously stupid, perpetuated by people who are not motivated by their concern for marriage or for children.  They are motivated by hate and ignorance.

 

Gay Rights Reality Check–3 Years In

There was a time, in the not-too-distant past–2009 to be exact, when the gays were in an absolute FROTH, screaming and kvetching over what they saw as a lack of support and forward motion by the Obama administration on GLBT rights.  This article provides an amazing summary of those criticisms, but because you dicks won’t click on links, I will highlight some of the whining from days-gone-by:

• Obama made campaign promises to woo the gays, but then didn’t follow up on them
• Obama hosted a White House party in 2009 to assuage the gays and to get them comfortable with the slow pace of change he advocates
• Obama is out of touch with the GLBT community’s basic desires
• Obama hasn’t repealed DADT
• Obama has done nothing to enact ENDA or the Matthew Shepard Act
• Obama has been painfully silent on our rights since taking office
• Obama’s timeline to “get things done” spans 3 years and we want our rights right-the-fuck now

Unlike the rabid gay contingent, I have always believed that change is incremental.  Nothing would have been more counterproductive, more polarizing, more wasteful than if Obama had swooped into office and made sweeping changes in the first few months of his Presidency.  It would have set everyone back, not just GLBT people but all progressives.  Similarly, nothing would have been more counterproductive, more polarizing, more wasteful than if an organization like the Human Rights Campaign had thrown a hissy fit and driven a wedge between the GLBT community and the Administration.

Yet, along with the criticism faced by the Administration, HRC was lambasted–excoriated–for being pacifist and complicit in Obama’s alleged failure to do anything.  Its President, Joe Solmonese, was personally attacked because he was seen as “too patient” and “too comfortable” with Obama’s lack of immediate action.  In response, Joe sent an email to HRC’s membership, in which he stated what I have always believed–change is incremental:

More importantly: today, and for the next seven years and three months, Barack Obama is the most powerful person in the world, with the largest bully pulpit, and the most power to effect change. To do the work, we have to work with our supporters in Congress and with the Administration. Whatever you think of the Administration’s first nine months, you don’t pass laws by sitting out. You pass laws by sitting at the table.

Some very short-sighted and ridiculous people read into Joe’s comments that HRC was simply going to stand by and let GLBT rights fall into our collective laps.  He and HRC were once again thrown under the bus by critics like Andrew Fucking Sullivan (really, what has his negative attitude and divisiveness done for any of us?), Michelangelo Signorile (same), and even our own local whore, Dan Savage (who at least has DONE something to make things better, particularly for GLBT youth) for being the President’s gay apologist.  Of course, Joe Solmonese is a lot more politically correct and measured than I am, and so he issued an additional statement on HRC’s website, which read in part,

Perhaps the biggest surprise for me was the reaction some people had to my comment that on the last day of President Obama’s term, we will be able to look back on many accomplishments in LGBT rights. I still find it hard to believe that anyone thought I was saying that we should be content to wait patiently for our equality. What I said—and what I believe in my heart—is just the opposite.

It is now just a little more than 2 years since the fracas over Obama’s alleged lack of plan or ambition on GLBT rights, and look where he, along with the measured, deliberate, and focused help of HRC and Joe Solmonese, have taken us.  DADT has been repealed.  The IRS, for better or worse, is recognizing our relationships.  The Mathew Shepard Act passed.  Hospital visitation rights for GLBT families is now the law.  The Family Medical Leave Act covers our families.  The Ryan White Act was extended.  Gender identity was added to the federal gov’t list of protected classes.  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gave an unbelievably controversial and stirring speech to the United Nations about GLBT rights.  The President has called for the repeal of DOMA.  I literally could go on and on.

But I won’t go on except for one more thing.  One especially important thing to me as a citizen of the State of Washington.  Governor Gregoire has said that President Obama’s leadership on GLBT issues was the inspiration that cause her to step up to the plate and go to bat for us.  And she knocked it out of the ballpark.

Just like President Obama, Gov. Gregoire had help from many organizations, primary among them HRC.  HRC’s local volunteer leadership, many of whom are my friends and people I respect, worked and will continue to work tirelessly to defeat Ref. 74 and protect our newly recognized equality.  Some of them have even taken leadership positions in the Washington United for Marriage coalition.  HRC has paid staff people on the ground here in Washington working on Marriage Equality who are also giving everything they have to defeat Ref. 74 in November.  HRC has created a PAC just for Washington’s fight.  You get the picture.

What is my point?  Change is incremental, and incremental change is the only way to effectuate change that is lasting.  Sure, we still have battles to fight–in a measured and respectful and deliberate way.  If we continue to be reasonable and focused and strategic, we will win.  Remember, you attract more bees with honey than with vinegar.

To the naysayers and the critics of Obama, his Administration, and HRC, I say,

I told you so.  You think you can do it any better?  You think your divisive, scorched-earth approach to attaining equality will get us further in the long run than the approach taken during the past 3 years?  Then why don’t one of you or one of your preferred gay rights organizations pick up the phone  and call on the President of the United States to attend dinner and address the entire GLBT community not once but twice (2009 and 2011).  Why don’t you call on him and demand that he take immediate action on remaining GLBT issues?  Why don’t you try to elect a President who will do it better, faster, and with longer-lasting results?  Why don’t you do some of the heavy-lifting around here so HRC doesn’t have to do it all?  Oh, what’s that?  You or your organization do not have the political capital to make that happen?  Oh.  How odd!  Then I guess it’s time for you to shut the fuck up.

Finally, Joe is leaving HRC at the end of March after 7 years of excellent leadership and service to the GLBT community.  His will be hard shoes to fill.

Extravagant Gay Lifestyle No. 169

Here is one thing I know for god damn certain:  The minutes pass like months when you are sitting at home alone on a Friday night listening to your RDP rattle the timbers with the kind of snoring that can only be induced by a combination of Nyquil, Alka-seltzer Snot Nose (TM), and over-the-counter sleep meds.  Or something like that.  So, what’s a sassy gay with impeccable manscaping to do?  Besides kill himself?  I don’t know.

No, really.  I can’t think of anything else.

Thanks gods I don’t believe in the suicide.  No, really.  I don’t.  Talk about a passive-aggressive way to pass the problems that you thought you couldn’t bear one single minute longer to everyone else in your life.  But I digress.

Do you know that tickle that you sometimes get in your ear after you turn *fmmmphhhty* years old?  Turns out it isn’t a terminal condition.  It’s hair.  God fucking dammit.  Congratulations on your continued survival.  With. Hair. In. Your. Ears.

Actually, as a card-carrying, American, male homosexual, I’m pretty sure that hair in my ears is terminal and will result in death.  At least the death of any hope that I’ll ever get laid again.  And, if you ask a card-carrying, American, crazy, right-wing homophobe like Rick Santorum or Mitt Romney or the Catholic Church or the MOTHER FUCKING INSANE people at the National Organization for Marriage, sex is the only thing that card-carrying American male homosexuals live for, think about, or do.

Still, I digress, but I’m going to bring it full circle and you are going to be amazed, impressed, and wanna have relations with me.

In this edition of Extravagant Gay Lifestyle (TM), you will please observe that sex is the farthest thing from the minds of the card-carrying, American, male homosexuals who live in my house.  All two of them.  Instead, the RDP has managed to catch the Bird Flu or SARS or Tuberculosis or rickets from the dirty, filthy people with whom he works.  For the fourth night in a row, he has retired to the bedroom (and by that, I mean our marital domestical parntnershipal bed) with two +/- 60 pound dogs, long before any of our grandparents would even signify their exhaustion with living by yawning a giant, toothless, mothball-scented yawn.  And for the fourth night in a row, I am left to contemplate my navel in complete and utter silence, lest I wake the hybernating RDP with television or the sounds of me singing along to Whitney Houston’s Greatest Hits for the 13th day in a row.

Speaking of Whitney, please do not worry that the RDP will Houston himself with all that cold medicine.  I made him promise not to take a bath or get in the hot tub.  I’m smart like that.

So, right-wing snatches, how’s that for your amped-up, godless, kinky impression of the gay lifestyle?  Pretty fucking titillating, isn’t it?  I know what you’re thinking: “Bitch, please.  We know you are going to hit ‘publish’ on this worthless excuse for a blog post and then spend the next 10 hours shooting heroine, watching porn, and calling complete and utter strangers to your home via Grindr for sexual encounters.”  To which I should respond, “See you soon, crazy, self-loathing, complete and utter stranger.  Please post a decent head shot of yourself on Grindr or I won’t even give you my address.  And if you do not resemble your headshot by at least 46%, you ain’t comin’ in.”

Wouldn’t that kind of response make you conservative, defense-of-marriage-act dickheads happy?  Not so fucking fast.  I refuse to perpetrate your lies about me or your willingness to portray me as a promiscuous devil-child, hell-bent on destroying civilization.   Instead, I am now going to retire for the evening with my Kindle Fire to play Angry Birds in the spare bedroom, 20 feet away from the sawing of Sequoiadendron giganteum in the bedroom across the hall.  Why?  Not to prove a point.  No, not at all.  I am going to retire for the evening because I lead an Extravagant Gay Lifestyle (TM).

You know, the type that cures insomnia.  Boo-frickin’-yah!

 

Who Signed Ref. 71?

Remember Ref. 71?  The Referendum in Washington whereby the public got to vote on whether the RDP and I should indeed have the right to even call each other RDPs?  Well, after much wrangling in the courts, the names of each and every a-hole who signed the Referendum were made public via Washington’s Public Disclosure Act.

Even better?  The list of signatories, including names and addresses, has been compiled and converted into a neat little searchable database.  Want to see it?  Of course you do!

Now, there is some controversy, even amongst smart gays and lesbians, about the use that might be made of this information.  Some are worried that it will be used to persecute the nice people who forced a vote on my Constitutional rights.  I guess that depends on your definition of the term “persecute.”

Listen to me and listen to me hard.  The Referendum and Initiative (and even petition) process is public.  If you are going to sign a Referendum or Initiative petition, then you damn well better have the courage of your convictions.  If you don’t, then you have no business signing. Furthermore, if you want to put my rights–or the rights of any minority–to a public vote, then you should also be willing to subject yourself to the harsh light of the public eye. Washington’s Public Information Act–let alone fairness and justice–requires disclosure.

You can quote me on that. Now, do I intend to firebomb any of these people? Probably not.  (I’m more of a glitter-bomb type.  I do not like the smell of burning flesh, really, so firebombing isn’t particularly appealing to me.  I do, however, love to see people decked out in glitter.  So GAY!  But, I digress.)

On the other hand, do I intend to let people believe for one minute that they can deny me my Constitutional rights by hiding under a perceived cloak of anonymity? Not for one single minute. It is easy to say and do outrageous things when you do not run the risk of having to answer for your actions.

So what am I looking for?  What do I think is often lacking from our Referendum and Initiative process?  Accountability. The publication of the names of people who signed Ref. 71–and any other Referendum or Initiative–will keep people accountable for their actions.  Adult decisions and actions come with adult consequences, including supporting a Referendum or Initiative, particularly one that will deny a significant population rights that are enjoyed by everyone else.  Will publication of these names have a chilling effect?  Probably, and I think it should.  If you do not feel strongly enough about a ballot measure to have your name published in support of it, then your signature does not deserve to be counted.

Confidential to Ref. 74 Supporters:  We will seek to have your names published, and now that we have precedent, it shouldn’t be difficult.  So, before you sign Referendum 74, which seeks to deny my newly recognized right to marriage equality, make sure you really feel strongly enough that you are willing to subject yourself to public scrutiny.  If not, then perhaps marriage equality is not something you should waste any more of your precious time trying to deny your fellow citizens.

UPDATE 2/21/2012:  The Who Signed website has been further updated so that you can search by name, address, city, state and zip.  You’ll be shocked.  Just fucking try it.

And Komen is Back!

God damn, I love a happy ending where common sense prevails and two extraordinarily important women’s health organizations can continue to do the unbelievably great work they’ve always done.  Nancy Brinker and the Komen Board of Directors have reversed their decision to de-fund Planned Parenthood.  Text of the press release:

We want to apologize to the American public for recent decisions that cast doubt upon our commitment to our mission of saving women’s lives.

The events of this week have been deeply unsettling for our supporters, partners and friends and all of us at Susan G. Komen. We have been distressed at the presumption that the changes made to our funding criteria were done for political reasons or to specifically penalize Planned Parenthood. They were not.

Our original desire was to fulfill our fiduciary duty to our donors by not funding grant applications made by organizations under investigation. We will amend the criteria to make clear that disqualifying investigations must be criminal and conclusive in nature and not political. That is what is right and fair.

Our only goal for our granting process is to support women and families in the fight against breast cancer. Amending our criteria will ensure that politics has no place in our grant process. We will continue to fund existing grants, including those of Planned Parenthood, and preserve their eligibility to apply for future grants, while maintaining the ability of our affiliates to make funding decisions that meet the needs of their communities.

It is our hope and we believe it is time for everyone involved to pause, slow down and reflect on how grants can most effectively and directly be administered without controversies that hurt the cause of women. We urge everyone who has participated in this conversation across the country over the last few days to help us move past this issue. We do not want our mission marred or affected by politics – anyone’s politics.

Starting this afternoon, we will have calls with our network and key supporters to refocus our attention on our mission and get back to doing our work. We ask for the public’s understanding and patience as we gather our Komen affiliates from around the country to determine how to move forward in the best interests of the women and people we serve.

We extend our deepest thanks for the outpouring of support we have received from so many in the past few days and we sincerely hope that these changes will be welcomed by those who have expressed their concern.

Now, let’s get back to saving women’s lives.  Thank you.

Oh, and this year, give to both Komen and Planned Parenthood.  It’s the right thing to do.

Remember the Komen Foundation?

Me neither.  Wait.  It rings a bell.  I do remember that time in 2012 when the Komen Foundation literally destroyed its good name and brand loyalty by denouncing and defunding Planned Parenthood over political differences.

Ok.  That’s a lie.  In fact, I cannot get the Foundation off my mind tonight.  For those of you who have been completely asleep at the wheel (WAKE THE FUCK UP, Jesus) or don’t live in this country (Hey, girl, hey!), the Susan G. Komen Foundation provides untold financial resources to women’s health care organizations for the prevention and treatment of breast cancer.

Unless, of course, the health care organization provides services that the Komen Foundation finds politically incorrect.  Like abortion.  Or stem-cell research.  In those cases, the Komen Foundation doesn’t give a damn about preventive medicine for women, let alone cancer treatment, or “the Cure.”

The Komen Foundation has announced that it will no longer make grants to Planned Parenthood.  Why?  Because, in addition to providing a whole host of critical health care services to women–particularly indigent women–including cancer screenings, Planned Parenthood provides abortions.  Oh, and Planned Parenthood is under investigation by the House of Representatives, an investigation started by the extreme right wing (Rep. Cliff “Fucking Crazy” Stearns) because Planned Parenthood provides such services.  And you know how reliable and trustworthy the extreme right wing is on every social issue.  So the combination of choice + providing women with a choice = Congressional investigation + defunding by Komen.  Right.  I get it.

Seriously. WTF is wrong with you people

Dear Komen People:  Are you telling me that you are going to put politics over your own mission?  Are you going to tell me that, because Planned Parenthood provides a mechanism for women to exercise their legal, Constitutionally-protected right to end an unwanted pregnancy as one small part of the amazing work it does, you are going to stop providing financial resources for them to ALSO provide cancer screening?  You are?  I mean, you can’t possibly believe that a religious nutbag like Sen. Stearns is launching an investigation out of true concern about the services that Planned . . . What?  You do believe that Planned Parenthood should be investigated?

Ok.  Now it’s becoming clear.  You’re run by extreme, right wing conservatives, aren’t you.  Oh, yes you are!  I read that retweet on Twitter that your SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT tried to delete.

Fine.  Fuck you.

You, as a foundation, deserve to die.  You have put politics over the actual needs–desperate needs in many cases–of women.  Not just some women, but all women, because Planned Parenthood will serve every single woman (and man, quite frankly) who walks in the door, regardless of religious belief, economic standing, race, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability . . . and on and on.  Worse, you have profited from relying upon women who have suffered from and died of cancer-related illnesses and their friends and families by promising to help find “the Cure,” when you really don’t give a damn about “the Cure.”  All you care about is raising money to pay your extreme right wing executives and to further political causes.

This is, however, America, and you get to do with your money as you choose.  But you aren’t going to get any money from me, my friends, or my family.  Our trust in you was misplaced.

Lesson learned:  We should have donated our precious resources of time and money and trust to an organization that provides actual medical treatment to actual patients–organizations and health care providers that are subject to the Hippocratic oath to do no harm.  For example:  PLANNED PARENTHOOD.  You have done women’s health and, sadly, your own mission and raison d’etre, immense harm and you are not to be trusted now or for the foreseeable future.

[Confidential to Planned Parenthood:  Pink is just a color, and we're done with pink.  I'll follow you no matter your color and no matter your "race," because pink was a publicity stunt and the "race" we've been running was obviously never about women's health, medical necessities, or cancer prevention.  Let's start over, you and me and reasonable people everywhere.  New color, new race, same mission.  xoxo]

UPDATE:  Watch this video.  Blame Andrea Mitchell for not being particularly objective if you must, but she nails this interview and brings the personal relationship that so many women had with Komen and have with Planned Parenthood.  Grant excellence, Komen Foundation?  Then you should be partnering with Planned Parenthood, the largest women’s health organization in this country, to help it meet your grant requirements.  That is, unless you feel its a lost cause because Planned Parenthood won’t kowtow to your political beliefs.

Open Letter to Seattle Public Libraries

Dear Seattle Porn Public Libraries:

So, you have to let people watch porn on the library computers.  Believe it or not, I understand the Constitutional law principles that require you to do so, and I also understand the slippery-slope on which censorship perches so precariously.  I believe in those Constitutional protections, and I believe censorship is very, very dangerous.

Despite having studied the applicable Constitutions at length, however, I can find nothing in them that protects a person’s right to watch porn on a library computer in the middle of the god damn library where others, including children, will see it.  Or to masturbate in the library, which is the reason that men sit down in front of a computer to watch porn (I’ve heard).  I know, shock and awe, shock and awe.  Trust me on this:  They are not watching porn to critique the production values, direction, or mise en scene.  They do it with one hand on the mouse and one hand on the mouse’s arch-enemy, the snake.

Have you seen the musical Avenue Q?  Watch this video, and it will explain EVERYTHING.

What is my point?

MOVE THE FUCKING PERVERTS WHO LIKE TO WATCH PORN IN PUBLIC TO A MORE SECLUDED PLACE IN THE LIBRARY WHERE THE SCREEN IS NOT VISIBLE TO CHILDREN AND OTHER LIBRARY PATRONS!!!

I’m fucking serious.  While the Constitution and the laws may prevent you from censoring Internet content, it does not protect people’s “right” to watch porn in a particular place within the library.  And it certainly doesn’t protect their right to jerk off in the library.  Anywhere.  So, when someone some man is watching porn in the open, require him to move to some corner of the library where the computer cannot be readily seen.  And if he dares rub himself even a little, throw his ass out onto the street, call the cops, get a restraining order.  I mean, if you can’t police the use made of library computers, then who gives a shit where you put them?

Otherwise, love you to death!

HorseKnuckle, the apparent genius

UPDATE!  I received a comment on this mess of a post, which raised some obvious issues with my analysis.  So, I’m modifying my Open Letter with this  BEEEEE-UUUUUUU- tiful HorseKnuckle original in Library Design.  Put the perverts within eye-shot but in places where their backs are against the wall.  Or how about this:  When you see a pervert doing something perverted in a public space, particularly a public library, call them out.  Do not make it the librarians’ job–their hands are tied by the law.  Do it yourself.  If you were being mugged or assaulted on the street, you would scream and yell and call for help, wouldn’t you?  Yes, you fucking would.  Well, a pervert who is watching porn in plain view in a public space is mugging and assaulting you, so scream and yell until they move on.  They do not want the attention, and others in the library will likely join you.  I certainly will.

And now, a HorseKnuckle original showing just how freaking AMAZING I am:

God damn, I'm amazing!

Gay Marriage Vote: 28 Ayes, 21 Nays

We did it.  Full marriage equality passed in the Washington State Senate last night by a wide margin–wider than anyone ever imagined possible.  It was a very exciting night.

I EVEN FELT MY COLD, BLACK HEART BEAT A COUPLE OF TIMES!

It’s true.  And had I written this blog post last night, it would have been a sappy, tear-stained, snot-coated, weak, stupid mess of a post.  Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to go and slam my head in the front door repeatedly, sobering me up from my weakened, boob-ish state.  It was a close call, though.

So, what’s next?  Let me give you a countdown and rough calendar of events:

• The bill must now go before the House for debate, amendment, and vote.  It will pass, without a doubt.  Why, however, does it need to be amended?  Because some amendments were made to the Senate version of the bill last night during the floor debate, and those same amendments will be proposed in the House, too.  The amendments that passed in the Senate provide ADDITIONAL protections for religious organizations, as if they don’t already have full protection in the U.S. and Washington Constitutions.  But religious freedom is so god damn important in this country that we are going to masturbate ourselves over and over and over to make certain that religious people can continue to hate and discriminate against everyone, including each other, and can get away with murder, literally and figuratively.  What the fuck ever . . . I digress.
• If there are any differences between the House bill and the Senate bill after passage in those chambers, the two bills must be reconciled.  I hope for everyone’s sake that the process is short and sweet, and a final, comprehensive bill can then proceed to the Governor’s desk, post-haste.
• The Governor must sign the final, reconciled version of the bill.  And she will.  And it will be another fantastic day in Washington’s history.  And I am going to try to be there for that occasion, although someone has to pay the god damn mortgage around this dump.  So, we’ll see.
• The crazies then have from the moment the Governor signs the bill into law until 90 days after the end of the Legislative Session (roughly July) to file a Referendum and collect signatures to get it on the November ballot.  How many signatures?  Roughly 120,000, which is nothing.  I mean, I think we have that many crazies on the 358 Metro on any given morning.  So a Referendum fight is looming on the horizon, and it is going to require lots of work, plenty of money, and EXCEPTIONAL LEVELS OF PATIENCE AND RESPECT, even though I have no patience for a vote–by the public–on my freedoms and liberties and equality and no respect for the fools who keep spreading hysteria and outright lies about me and my gay and lesbian family.

Now, for you bitches.  I am going to call upon you in various ways to help make sure that the Referendum goes down in a blaze of glory.  Volunteering.  Donations.  Living openly and honestly.  Speaking up in the face of lies and deceit.  And I’m going to use this blog to give you the opportunities and tools you will need to help ensure that reason and common sense, let alone justice and the Constitution, prevail in November.  I’m going to unravel the hysterical claims of groups like the National Organization for Marriage and certain religious institutions and people like Steve Pidgeon and Ken Hutcherson and their ilk.  And it’s going to be fun and there will probably be a little hair-pulling and scratching, too.  At least figuratively.

So wake the fuck up and pay attention, because you are going to have the opportunity over the coming months to change the world and to make life better for EVERY SINGLE PERSON in Washington, in this country, and in the world.

Adventures in Hair

To prove a point, I decided to grow a beard.  What point, you ask?  Well, I can grow a beard in about 14 minutes, unlike lesser men.  And I did.

Holy shit, gramps!

See?  I told you.  This is just a few weeks worth of growth, and you will note in particular that:

I AM AT LEAST 117 YEARS OLD!

And hairy.

And I have at least two creases on my face that need to be filled with either Botox or Restalin or both.  Or maybe some fat from my ass.  I don’t know.

But that really isn’t the point of this rant/rave.  No.  Instead, I want to give you a little insight into my friendship plight.  Let me preface the following discussion by saying that my friends are first class assholes.  Not all of them, but a frightening majority.  Maybe even a super-majority.

Actually, probably 99%.  Anyhow . . .

Now, please know that I post a lot of shit on the Facebook, most of which falls on completely deaf ears and no one says a god damn word in response.  Today, however, I posted a few full-facial beard pics on the Facebook.  And the god damn Facebook-sphere lit up like an xmas tree.  Would you like to know what my “friends” had to say about my beard?  I knew you would.  Brace yourselves to be completely and utterly infuriated on my behalf.  In no particular order:

OMG You are SO gray!!!  But I still love u

you look homeless . . . shave . . now. thanks

We think you need to eat and shave.  You look like a dessicated Sting!  And that’s a lot for me to say . . .

Oh!  You were in an accident!

Why are you doing this?

Amigo if you prefer una barba… then it is your choice.. But I think you much more guapo without la barba…

Do you go to work looking this?

You need a boat captain hat and a corncob pipe.

Who kidnapped my hot funny friend.  And who let that homeless man into your house?  Someon call [the RDP] or 911 ASAP.  This is an emergency.

master of misdirection.  Best herpes cover up I’ve seen yet!

its an anorexic Santa! jk

Can anyone say Harry, as in Harry from the movie “Harry and the Hendersons”?

[My husband] says you look like Billy Bob Thornton.  I think it makes you look older than your fabulous self.

Ernest Hemingway called and wants his look back.

[You] eres muy guapo without la barba, this look… well don’t hate me, is not for you…

Sweetie, you look a little like the hermit who wrote the manifesto…his name escapes me. You’re much more handsome sans beard, that said, it is a nice beard…xo

Ted Kaczinsky? Are you fucking kidding me?  Well, then, I’m sending you a package.  Make sure you open it the minute you receive it.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?  Or an enema?

Now, I know that you are dying to know what the RDP thinks of the facial hair.  I can sum it up in a couple of simple quotes:

It’s like being married to my dad.

Get that shit away from me.

Don’t you EVEN try to kiss me with that mess.

So, I thought you said you were going to trim that or get rid of it.

Not all of the comments were derogatory, however.  No.  My sister-in-law had this to say:

Nice bread [sic].  [No, I am not making that up.  Bread.  Fuck.  Really?]

And a few others, who I have now put into my Last Will and Testament, had nice things to say about my growth.  To my detractors, however, I have a few words to say right back at you:

Fuck off.

I love you bitches.  Even your insults make me happy.  Actually, they make me both proud and happy, because I’ve trained you well.

Oh, and guess what?  I’m growing my pubes out, too, until I look like mother fucking Cousin Itt.  So bite me.

You ain't seen nothing yet!

UPDATE:  Additional comments since posting:

I’d say the more u can cover ur face, the better for all of us who have to look at it.

Hey, Los Angeles: F.O.

Yesterday, some writer for the L.A. Times–a woman who actually lives here in Seattle–wrote an article calling us “wimps” and “clueless” when it comes to winter weather.  I’m sure the woman who wrote the article has been trapped in her own Seattle home, terrified to get into her Cadillac Escalade with California plates to drive herself to Gene Juarez to get her hair did.  Whatever.

But get this:  Tonight, the National Weather Service has issued a “Special Weather Statement” for the armpit of the West Coast because of incoming storms and guess what?  It’s gonna rain and the shizzle is gonna be crazy.  I quote:

This storm will bring light to moderate amounts of rainfall to the area. . . .  Areas should receive between [brace yourselves] one quarter and three quarters of an inch of precipitation. . . .  There will be the potential for local ponding of water on freeways and low-lying areas . . . .

Son-of-a-bitch.  Say it ain’t so!  You mean it’s gonna rain in L.A.?  And get this.  Things in Orange County are going to be dire:

Most of the rainfall will be light . . . but with rather long duration and will result in some slippery driving conditions.

I’m certainly glad the people in Southern California are so much stronger and smarter than Seattleites, because HOW THE FUCK ELSE COULD THEY POSSIBLY SURVIVE RAIN IN AMOUNTS MEASURED IN FRACTIONS OF AN INCH?  Oooooo.  Watch out.  Slippery.

Hey, L.A.!  Fuck off, you pretentious assclowns.  Oh, and since we’ve all been stuck inside up here due to actual weather-related travel problems today, we banded together and spent the day calling and having your plastic surgery appointments for next week cancelled.  We wouldn’t want you to go out in the rain unnecessarily and risk your tits, your lips, or your LIVES, now would we?